Archive for December, 2011

Fear of Rejection


I love you. I love you.
Oh, God how I love you.
I wish I could tell you
and make you understand me.

I wish I knew
what you think of me
so I wouldn’t be so damn scared
that you wouldn’t love me in return.

Every time I see you
My heart begins to sore
A strange feeling bubbles up
inside my chest.

Although I may appear calm.
Yet, no matter how calm I seem
I’m always nervous of losing face
in front of you.

I miss you every second
Every breath that I breathe
I miss losing my soul in your eyes
For my heart you possess

But just so you’re aware,
you retain the same allure today
one of mystery, of promise
of a depth unseen by any man.

I am bewitched and captivated
by your waiting-to-be expressed persona
and the unwritten emotions
in those captivating eyes

Far too removed from you
I had long to feel your love.
That blinding energy
That is best beheld from a distance.

I need to tell you straight and true
That if we’d said our thoughts
and got the timing right
It would have been you.

Being as it is not, I want to hold you forever
But I am deep in helplessness
Vulnerability and possessiveness
Heaped in stupidity and reactions.

Some day you’ll know exactly what I mean.
Some day there will be no doubt, no secrets.
That some day seems an infinity away.
Some day I’ll tell you everything.
I want to.
I will.
Well, I might…

Picture Courtesy : Google Images

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Kayalvizhi (A damsel with eyes that represent a fish)!!!

“I am on my way to meet you, the train is heading towards your city” – said the SMS that beeped on her Android mobile….!

Sleepily, she woke up from her slumber looked at the watch on her bedside table, it read 11.30 pm. She turned to the lit mobile next to it and clutched it with her right hand, wondering who it is at this hour of the night.  Sliding the screen, the message popped-up and reading it once she almost closed her eyes, then suddenly the last part of the SMS woke her up again.

” …Impatiently waiting to see you, my Love.”

That brought a smile to her face and the man of her dreams appeared before her, that well-built body, that killing smile, that half-raised eyebrows, that scent of his colognes and after shaves, that mischievous look, that never ending questioning, that relenting hands, that firm walk, that I am least bothered about the people around attitude…but still the fear of being caught….all that made her shiver even in that winter-less summers…!

She shuddered and put the phone down, with a hesitation to reply to that message and overcoming the fact to reply…curls up in that blanket and drifts away into a far away land of dreams and dreams.

It is 6 am; still there is time for that stupid alarm of hers to wake her up. But then the dreams have another meaning to her day break today.

She wakes up to some loud noises around, heavy chattering and laughter. She gets up in a fit to close her bedroom door and get back to her sleep. She hazily with semi-closed eyes walks up to her bedroom door.

At the door is a figure standing with a hand resting on the door sill. She rubs her eyes and tries to open it wide but the light from the other side blinds her and it is tough for her to make out the silhouette.

Hardly a few yards but yet it is so far away and that figure is seemingly teasing her with a smile…she walks briskly to push it away and close the door…!She is almost there and then the figure holds her shoulders and moving up a palm towards her chin putting a finger to support the dropping chin, sounds huskily to her, “Hey, you don’t want to look at me…I traveled about 700 odd kilometers for you…”

She fully regaining conscious, looks into that those teasing eyes, the same mannerisms, the same things that disturbed her in the night comes back and the silhouette stand tall and endangering to her femininity…!

She tries to shun him and run away, when a whole load of cousins and his friends surround her from all sides…she shyly doges them and looks at him with pleading eyes to let her go…she tells him with her eyes, this is not the way I want you to see me…!

She is in her night clothes, a pink tops and a blue 3/4ths, her hair shabby from the twisting and turning in the bed, the eyes droopy, the lips dry, the face laden with the power of a good dream…though all this had not shattered or seemed to have touched her beauty…she still looked like a exquisite beauty to watch on…!

Knowing her uncomfortableness, he slowly gives way between him and his friend next to him, and gestures her to pass through it quickly. Understanding him in perfect harmony, she passes their clutches and runs away in to the kitchen where her mom is already making heavenly smelling coffee and dishes for the morning…!

Before she goes in to her hide out, she makes sure she gives him that everlasting smile and look that took his heart away the very instant he saw her on the day of her engagement…!

He had no idea of love and no idea of running behind girls, he was so quietly observed with his work and his medical science kept him occupied. He wanted some remedy for painless surgeries and making some surgeries with the patient conscious. There were methods available but was looking at other options of it and this he thought will help the people on the battlefield.

He was a military doctor helping people with various wounds and amputations and worst scenarios, his mind did not read those subtleties of heart and never had he found time for all that. Though he was interested in poetry and all the romantic things that life can offer, he never did want to do something like that in his life, until that one day.

He was summoned to home all of sudden and before he could deny, he was packed off to the girls house and with just one group photo of the girl he had only a glimpse of what she looked like.

He did not know what to do but reclining with the flow of events he went there to come to conclusions later or just walk away from it denying some reason or other.

He got bored with all these stupid talks, he was not ready to look at the happening…he said, he will take a walk and be back. The family let him be. He walked into the so called backyards of the house and wandered in the wilderness, it opened in to some coconut yards and mango yards.

He kept taking in the scenic beauty of the house and surrounding, breathing in the fresh air and came by to a stream following silently. He just looked around for a place and settled to sit there, when he heard a loud noise from the other side near the bushes…!!

There was a girl in her late twenties and an old lady arguing over something. The girl did not look innocent, looked educated and well behaved but still stubborn in her arguments.

Getting curious he walks closer to bush and gets a good picture of the girl. She is dusky, with beautiful eyes, long lustrous black shiny hair, beautifully craved lips, shapely nose, nice neck; straight and slender structure draped in beautiful simple cotton sari lined with a simple jari border in contrast color of pink and mauve.

She looked like a goddess in disguise. She was denying loudly to the old lady and the old lady was convincing her.

In her fit of anger, she gives a look at the lady and it looked as if there was fire in her and she would have reduced the old lady to ashes…in that fit of anger her hair flung open which was loosely held together in a knot.

It spewed all over her face and in a urgency to tie them again a strand of hair let loose on her face slung with grace across her eyebrows and lightly brushed the lips…at that instant she looked more heavenly than anything on earth and that very instant something changed in his mind.

He just got up to find his camera missing and forgotten to get it…he captured that image in his mind with a thousand watt flash light that never hit him that hard and he let out a sigh so loud that it caught the sight of the damsel and she ran into a quarters like thing and was lost from his sight.

Dejected, waiting there for some time, he turns to go back the way he came. The image ringing in his mind from the echoes of his heart, not able to capture it, not able have a copy of it, nothing he can claim, he walks and drags his soul to the house back through the coconut and mango groves.

His family eagerly waiting for him, seeing announce the family to present the would-be bride…!!!

Somebody from the other corner of the house called for, “Kayal…Kayal…”!!

(More to Roll)